Ownership

My first assignment is to write for Thirty how I view his ownership of me, when it occurred, and what I expect from it/him. Honestly, outside of sex, ownership just feels like I'm talking about a car or something...and I definitely don't feel owned in that sense. Possession is a better word...a sexier word. When I'm with him, I feel less owned and more possessed. Do they mean the same thing? Generally, yes.

From Pat Conroy's novel South of Broad: We kissed some more, and when I pulled back, I could feel the loosening and the possession take place.

I relate to those words. I felt it the first night we spent together...I know the moment it occurred. As if a fog lifted, my head and heart opened and I felt peace for the first time in my life. I felt my soul surrender and submit to him...in my bed, his mouth on mine, his hands around my neck...and I haven't questioned it once.

How does he own me then? I am addicted to the way he makes me feel...not just the orgasms. I feel completely safe with him...no fear. I am able to fully allow him to take me out of my comfort zone because I trust him infinitely when our bodies are together, breathing as one. He makes me face my insecurities and self-consciousness, and I don't resent him for it. I'm feeling everything and nothing and it thrills and terrifies me. When he hurts me, the pain is good. As it eases into pleasure, it is even better...like a warmth washing over me...leading to a climax that takes my breath away and pulls me deeper into his possession. I am his to mold as he will.

What do I expect? Safety...protection...openness...trust...affection...instruction...love. And as much of his time as I am allowed...

I will overcome...

Thirty made a comment the other day how he enjoys that we make an effort to turn our fantasies into realities...no matter how deviant they may seem. Recently, I reread a journal entry where I described my "ultimate fantasy." It was written just days after our first night together, and we have since made it a reality on multiple occasions...leading me to wonder what my "ultimate fantasy" could be now. Every time I have described dirty little masturbatory scenarios, he makes them happen. I hope I am able to continue to do the same for him. I do my best...and I feel we have definitely made great progress...

Then, I get nervous. I trust him...I know he won't allow anything unsafe...but this is still so new that I hold back. We have a number of ideas in the works. Very hot ideas. And he has his own ideas... My second assignment was to address my fears and what I/we will do to overcome them. I'm not sure if "fear" is the right word for what we're dealing with though. Hesitations? Yes. Apprehension? Yes. Fear? Not so much.

The root of my issues is directly related to my logical side...my rational side...my very NON-submissive side...and then there's the "real" life BS that we have to consider when trying to get time together. So, I resist...and I crave... I fight what he wants while fantasizing about those very things! Yet I continue to try to accept it all knowing that it will just intensify this thing between us. Every line we cross together...every taboo act we perform...every deviant fantasy we turn into a reality...makes it all that much better. And sometimes it is more than I can handle.

So, what will I do? I will follow his lead and accept the role he assigns me. I will take pleasure from pleasing him. I will be open and trusting and believe that he has our best interests in mind. And I will submit...because I want to surrender my whole self to him...because I know he will accept everything I give him graciously and return it in kind.

Assignments

Beyond creating this blog, Thirty gave me "assignments" yesterday...and now my brain is blocked...damn. I am to create two written pieces as gifts to him, a sort of token of our relationship. We can't truly have all of each other due to our other lives, so my words are to be a sort of bind. And I don't want to let him down.

Just his mention of "training" and "assignments" made me feel that much closer to him...that what we have means enough to him to want to make it publicly accessible...and to have something more tangible. Damn the mental block!

The first writing is my take on submitting to him...his ownership of me and, more specifically, what I expect from it and him. The second is a plan for overcoming my fears of some of the activities he would enjoy...though we inadvertently visited one of those yesterday. All of this with a timeline that was shortened as the conversation got deeper. He doesn't want me to take weeks to complete my task, so now I'm worried that the mental block is going to drag this out. Again...damn!

Help!