I will overcome...

Thirty made a comment the other day how he enjoys that we make an effort to turn our fantasies into realities...no matter how deviant they may seem. Recently, I reread a journal entry where I described my "ultimate fantasy." It was written just days after our first night together, and we have since made it a reality on multiple occasions...leading me to wonder what my "ultimate fantasy" could be now. Every time I have described dirty little masturbatory scenarios, he makes them happen. I hope I am able to continue to do the same for him. I do my best...and I feel we have definitely made great progress...

Then, I get nervous. I trust him...I know he won't allow anything unsafe...but this is still so new that I hold back. We have a number of ideas in the works. Very hot ideas. And he has his own ideas... My second assignment was to address my fears and what I/we will do to overcome them. I'm not sure if "fear" is the right word for what we're dealing with though. Hesitations? Yes. Apprehension? Yes. Fear? Not so much.

The root of my issues is directly related to my logical side...my rational side...my very NON-submissive side...and then there's the "real" life BS that we have to consider when trying to get time together. So, I resist...and I crave... I fight what he wants while fantasizing about those very things! Yet I continue to try to accept it all knowing that it will just intensify this thing between us. Every line we cross together...every taboo act we perform...every deviant fantasy we turn into a reality...makes it all that much better. And sometimes it is more than I can handle.

So, what will I do? I will follow his lead and accept the role he assigns me. I will take pleasure from pleasing him. I will be open and trusting and believe that he has our best interests in mind. And I will submit...because I want to surrender my whole self to him...because I know he will accept everything I give him graciously and return it in kind.